Ohana (Fam I Love You)

Family, ahha

Family isn’t really family anymore, honestly. I mean like the ones that feel more like family is the ones that are beside you and that’s friends.. Friends are not blood yeah but they tend to show more than the ones that are blood. Family are the ones to turn on you the most than anyone, they will show that yeah we may be family but don’t see you as one.

Crazy just to always have that thought, to me at least ha. It’s like we all go out in to this world not knowing what to do and moment we come across people and start talking and having a connection with them. It’s like you found that crazy bond, respect, and joy in each others life’s.

        Knowing that we are different does not matter, honestly. We are equal and others recognize that Have amazing hearts. I honestly like having that connection with others especially the ones here at PCR. As a few knows that it’s Becca, Addie, and Daizy. Knowing Daizy we had that weird relationship hah like when we first met was in art class in Ms. McMurtry class and at the table I sat by this tall girl ( can’t remember her name.) and Daizy. We were the outcast you could say, teacher never really paid attention to us so during that time we would talk ha yeah we would do our art but everyday was different with Daizy hah. I’m happy for the way we met and how it continued on throughout high school.

Just always remember that blood does not always mean “Family”, family is someone who is willing to help and to be there when you need someone, to love you and everything.

The quote above is something I’m trying to say ha. It’s honestly a blessing for who we come across and once was strangers are now family by heart. I am always honored for the ones I call family and this for me is hard just for my miss fortune and trust issues.

It’s sad how that how some think that cause were blood that they expect things. So what if we’re blood does not always mean you’ll get something.

But everyone is different, you could say with how to define Family. Which is nice cause you get to know a little more about family, may sound weird but to me I do enjoy hah.

Pow wows

One summer, can’t remember when ha, but me and my best friend traveled a lot during that time. We were on the Powwow trail, We went to Julymsh, White Swan, Wild horse and many more just can’t remember the rest ha. And during that time we came across new friends.

The People that we met Jordan, Andrew, and Violet an many more hah. Reason why I have these guys here is because they were the first people we met and that was at Julymsh. The way we all met was crazy and funny. Jordan and I bumped into each other, he was running off from someone and he came towards my way and I was a dummy and didn’t move. He apologized and said, ” I’m so sorry….! I can make this up to you..” In my head I was just everywhere, cause he did run into me pretty hard and we fell.  Reason why he said this was because I had food in my hands. Told him,” No it’s all good.” My friend Ava looked at me like, “Really Anessia?!” So she butted in and she said that” I would like to hang out with him and asked him if it be alright if she can buy me food.” ha

Oh how I was upset. So later that day I did the same ish back to her hah. She was so mad at me. There was this traditional dancer that she liked, so I walked up to him was talking and before I did take off she was trying so hard to stop me. But she couldn’t by the time I got to him she was gone haha. And I was walking back to our camp and she was in the camper. I asked her why did you come here? I went back to our seats and you werent there and your mom and john told me you were at the camper and they looked at me weird, cause I was supposed to be with her but wasnt hah.

Later that day it was just cooling down and my friend and I were walking back from the bathrooms and I honestly don’t know what we were doing on the way back but we came across Violet. Oh this girl she was pretty weird but we didn’t mind cause we liked each other so all 3 of us were hanging out and getting to know each other. And so we were at a bench talking and taking selfies hah and Jordan was walking where ever and Violet knew that I liked him so her tall self took off and talked to him and Andrew came out of no where and so it 5 of us at the bench talking and being weird.

It was almost dinner break  we were all still together and Jordan and I went to his family cause he needed to check in and I was like, ” Why do I need to go…? hah” His response, “Cause I want you to met my family..” In my head was like oh god, scary hah. His family liked me and questioning me around, which is normal haha just wanna make sure we ain’t cousins hah. And so we met back up with the others and my sister was like asking me what happened and I told her and she was laughing and was being stupid but yeah haha.

Oh how I miss the Powwow trail and coming across amazing people, but soon it’ll come again ha

 

Fly

Have you ever thought of people you have come across in your life? Like what kind of impact they have done or not have done, anything? I’m sure they have if you don’t got them in your life or that you still do have them there but not as close but still there. Some people come and go and wonder how and why that even happens. Im sure you know why but don’t you ever just want to hear the honest truth from them. Not what they think and assume that it wouldn’t hurt you, so they tell you what you wanna hear. And doesn’t just come in, in back of your head like what they said to you and realize  what they say don’t really add up?

I know some of it may have happened in the past and what ever happens in the pass stays there but how can it? I know that you can just ignore it ha, but I do ask myself. Being with a white christian family for 3 or 2 months, during dinner start with a pray, then ask how everyone’s day and then start doing a lesson. But i mean they asked how our lives changed since this has happened to us. What do we look back on the positive and the bad that has happened and who came across and what did they do in part of our lives, when her husband and herself asked it had me think. Like there was so much to look back on. That time i was just 15 and to look back on a short amount of time ive been on this earth, was just crazy.

As I looked back I mean it wasn’t the prettiest but I guess you could say thankful cause for the people who was there for a short amount of time they have changed a small part of me not fully but a little. I may have regret some things in my past but if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t be who I am, I mean I could have taken a different path but that wasn’t intended for me ha.  To this day I do still think about that and the ones that have made impact in my life I do thank, because they should know that they do make others happy or anything, may not do it all the time but just to let them know is nice. I want others to know that no matter what goes on is just to keep yo head up, stay positive and always move foward.

May not be what others think of myself but there has been a lot that my family and I have been through and no matter what we will always stand strong and move foward. As for others that my father tell me is to pray for the ones in a hardship, out on the road during the bad weather, the ones that have lost their way, and that dont feel great with themselves. Always wishing the best on others cause I know how it can be, not cause thats what ive been through it, it’s cause ive had ones that went through it and i can understand. No matter who you are all you can do is push to your goals, stay positive even through the hard times, and smile, cry if you need to, and always know that someone out there is watching over you (up above).

 

 

Life is just life and you just needa vent sometimes ha

Life just keeps throwing ish at me, can’t really get a break. You think everything is just going so well and then “BAM”, like no matter what I do others think less then me. So far no matter how much I try others doubt me and think cause i’m brown, haha just playing. Nah, I just think how life keeps showing me how it can be and that’s how it. Reasons why I should never let my guard down and always keep to myself. Family knew before I did and I listen. Loyalty and Respect means a lot to me and others, which I really like. But what  throws me off is when they say they hate when others show any dis they get pissed and talk, but don’t say to the person.

Could never trust anyone in my life and when I open and realize what i’m doing I shut down bur when they said “they cared” and lied it’s like , Yo what the… Why I start becoming the way i’ve been , others may say differently. but there’s always three sides to the story, yours, mine, and the truth. And if you don’t believe what I  gotta say then fine, by all means believe the nonsense. Ain’t gonna be here long ha, life is to short to even worry about it, if i know life is going well and I like it then it’s whatever. Don’t like me that’s cool just tell me that would be nice, it really would.

Just wanna thank the creator and the ones above for watching out and showing me. Always  thanking those two they always have good timing with everything that has happened in my life. They are the reason why I keep going in life, and my father. My father may not be home with me, but getting letters, emails, and calls from him is the best. Telling him what goes on in my time he me be harsh with me about then tries to make it better ha. My father is my world and my goal in life is to succeeded, graduate high school to be the first, and to be the first to go to college. My father never finished school, my two older siblings dropped out and never finished and never planned on going to college. I want to prove to my father that he is right that I do got this and I will succeeded, and I will cause it will happen. I’m not letting anything get in my way or anyone put me down.

I’m tired of everything and it wont take much for me to snap any more. My motivation is the ones that doubt me and think i’m a f*** up, they are the ones why I still keep going. I’m glad I got that negativity behind me. I’m happy with myself and with my choices, don’t like then don’t stay no one is asking you.

A little something about me. More like the past me ha

My name ha is Anessia, I am Native American. I am half Nez Perce and half Blackfeet not “Blackfoot” ha. My mother is Blackfeet and my father is Nez perce, it’s crazy that there together, lol.  Well i have 5 brothers and 2 sisters, we all obviously don’t live together and if we did you would hear me talk about a lot ha. I am auntie My older sister did have a baby a year ago and now my older brother is expecting one here soon. The ages with us is crazy. The oldest is 20 something and married ha that is first, second one is also 20, that’s for sure ha and she’s the one with the baby girl and the third oldest is my second brother and he’s the one expecting his little one come soon. Then there’s me i’m the fourth oldest outta the four.

It’s just my little brother, mom, and me here in Moscow. We are trying to get my 3 youngest siblings  back here with us but there grandma is just a B word ha. Then the other three are in Oregon, they live pretty close to each other ha. But now I don’t really get along with my brother and sister the two with babies. In the past something happened and they blame us for our father being in jail. But honestly it is whatever, all i could say if they ever need help or anything that we are here, they wanna believe the lies that are fed to them then fine. I know family is never really there but when ish gets hard we know whose there or not. I have been through a lot of harsh stuff in my life that not a lot knows, cause why would they know?

I mean if they wanna know then ask i’m not gonna be like nah, no i’ll say, cause all of it is in the past and it turned me into the person I am now. If non of the stuff happened in my life, I wouldn’t understand some stuff. Cause I did have my way, like the world revolved around me, my dad is the one that opened my eyes up to world.. But even then some my childhood was ish but i didnt understand… Moving to Idaho, yes it has it’s but it does really have it downs. Theres times on like, why am i still here? Why can’t we move, Idaho had nothing to offer to us from the time we got here it was ish. Made me really keep on my guard.

But who I am now, well I honestly don’t know ha. All I can offer to others is respect and care and make sure there good, even if i don’t like the person, I will still help out or see how there doing. Cause we don’t know what goes on with others and what has happened in their lives, like no one knows that i have  dealt with FBI agents and hearing them threaten my mom and me, Having my father accused of murder, Getting picked on by a family i barely knew, and have them call the cops on me and picking fights with me, the list keeps going. But I don’t let it get to me, yeah it may come up in my head from time to time but i’ll not let it get to me.

Me now im doing well in life, the most loveable person you meet, may not seem like it haha but i am, i have to big of a heart to hate on others, honestly. I may talk a big about certain ish but if it goes down then it’s on. I do have a temper but not as bad as my parents lol. Life right now is having it’s downs but i know ill get through it, always keeping my head held high. My bad didn’t really talk about the me now ha.

 

Short but traveling

I have always dreamed of traveling…

When I was little my mom would take us places

Just being on the road was fun. Watching everything pass by

Seeing new things, trying new foods

Sad part is that now I get car sick….

When I go places now is hard.. and it makes me upset.

I couldn’t understand why I would get car sick

But traveling is a goal for me

To take adventures to find cool places

When I have all my other goals done and that I have succeed

Is when I will start my traveling or even sooner just depends how things work out

If traveling was free, Oh My God you would never see me again.

Seeing what the world holds out there is just beautiful

Mother earth has created such a beautiful place

But yet there are those who don’t care about mother earth and what she has provided us.

Just hope that when I do go traveling that I don’t get to sick… haha

That is so far what i’m scared.. haha

The chance to get away from family and family drama

I cannot wait for that would be nice for a good min.

 

Lapwai man..

I got a lot of ish for hanging out with guys when I moved here not just from people who went to school but from my dad’s side of the family. I just could get why I was I saw nothing wrong with it. I mean I grew up with guys and just like how they could be but to the people down there saw it as a bad thing. They always said, “Your daughter is going to get pregnant. Your daughter is a slut…” it just goes on.

My dad was very protective. He would give ish about what I was doing, and then he gave me the “sex talk” and oh God that was just awkward. I looked at my dad and was like, ” Dad you know how  I am you know I hanged out with guys. And why the sex talk…? I know they are guys and anything can happen. But I will start trying to make some girl friends. But ugh, the things I hear about them tho is just weird..” My dad looked at me he was still upset with me.

It’s crazy too how these people’s thought I would ended up pregnant when I was living down there. An this year or last year their own kids are having babies and here I am with no baby. I ain’t putting no hate or anything to them but its funny how they thought I was gonna be the one. I couldn’t be myself down there and that was just hard. And this is when I started missing home…

Crazy how they put their judgement and their input towards me without knowing who I am. They just assumed I was  just another little rez girl looking for guys to mess around. And that was not my case, but it is what it is. I just thought it was stupid how they assumed I was a little rez girl. Nah mama didn’t raise no little ish kid, she taught us right and we never lived in a I guess “run down” house. It was just a lot of misjudgment and I let it go cause I knew what I was doing and I knew what was right.

Had some people tell me some rumors about me and I just couldn’t stop laughing. How can adults say this about a kid they have not met? They all went off hear say and caused problems for me and my family. But we all had a sit down and talked and cleared the air.

I don’t know

When it comes to writing or typing, anything it’s always hard for me to know what to say. For the ones that know what to say I am jealous cause it is honestly hard for me. And sitting here trying to think what to say is like, ” The heck do I say :(” haha. I honestly always had a hard time writing and it does mess with me cause looking around at other people is like how???

This is gonna be all over the place cause I just don’t know. So hope that I guess follow along hah. It’s gonna be madness here about blogging wish I knew what i’m talking here. I could go on and on about certain things and in the end i’ll be, “What were we just talking about?” I am such a blond if non of you could see that. The things I do is like, ” She okay?” it’s weird to cause I can be such a shy person. Ever since i’ve moved here I became shy and just anti-social.

Becoming shy made it obviously hard for me to make some friends. And when I make some “friends” I would sit off to the side and observe them or even when they associate with me I still do. May sound weird but that’s just how I am. I do try to figure out a person from how they are with me and others. Just wanna make sure i’m not getting myself into a wrong crowed or anything.

Before I moved here I wasn’t shy I was so outgoing and just weirdo. I loved being myself and just basically me, I didn’t care what others thought of me cause 1. I probably knew them. 2. I didn’t care what they said about me. 3. I just wanted to be a kid. But coming to Idaho changed, of course it would.  Nothing stays the same… My thoughts of moving here was, ” Yes finally leaving Oregon!! Get to met more family that I haven’t met or had but don’t remember. But I would miss my friends…”

Going to Lapwai and living there was no difference, just another rez but with different people. Going to school down there was just ugh. My cousins were supposed to watch out for me but ha whatever. They dipped out on me right away, had these two gals come and talk with me and they were cool and nice. Went home after school my parents  asked how it went, did my cousins help me… Told them how it went and my dad was pretty upset with my cousins cause they weren’t very helpful and just left me.

 

*Sigh* Life I guess ha

Life can be a handful for us in any situation. When I tell some people about my childhood and what has happened in my time. It’s crazy, I mean I do get uncomfortable not just talking about my childhood but when we moved to Idaho. The thing that I do dislike is when I talk about it some may think I made it up or i’m just crazy. I came to my point where I don’t care what they think cause they didn’t live through it or what happened.

I have lost a lot of people, meaning that they didn’t want to stay and be a”friend.” Which is cool, people come and go from my life it’s rare for a certain person to actually stay and to be there for me. It is hard for me to trust a person not just because I don’t like that person it’s just cause I have been done wrong so many times. Cutting off people was hard for me but I knew that they wouldn’t last long “for being there for me.” Always getting told ” I will always be here for you..” where did they go when I need someone? But when they were in need of someone I was there.

I have been used so many times by people only cause they knew they could take advantage of me. And I let them… Sad huh? Some of my family have done the same ish to me as well. It hard to tell with some though, I had this one friend and she asked,” Can I ask you something?” I said, “Yeah, why not.” She said, “Are you only friends with me because I have money?” I looked at her and I felt so bad so I said,” No i’m not just your friend because you have money. Reason why i’m friends with you is because I like you and fun to be around. Trust me I don’t like it when you offer to buy for me, food, a drink, anything when we hang out. They way I see it is when you ask someone if  they want something they ain’t gonna pass up that offer. They view it as “Hey she got’s money let’s be friends with her.” And when you don’t got no money left that’s when they leave. Reason why I say this because that’s how people are with my grandma and when she got non left they just ditch her until she got money again. People like that I dislike. I’m sorry hun that you thought I was just wanted to be friends for that reason.” she always had money and hearing her stories about her “friends” just used her.

I knew she was hurt and lost trust with people. I can understand that and it hurt me cause in no way that I was trying to present myself that way. I hate asking people for anything especially money. Cause I know I had some would say, ” Hey you owe me. or Hey member when…” I just don’t want to have that on me and for others to think they have something over me, cause I owe them.